Orientation: Work

I wrote this story in 2016 for a "Creative Writing" class.

It's based on my experience of working in a new office in Washington, D.C.

Welcome to the office. My name is Andie, like the guy’s name Andy, but with an “ie.” We hope you stay with us for a while. Here’s your desk. It’s messy right now from the last person who had it. He left two years ago. No one has cleaned it. You can do that. We don’t have any cleaning supplies. You’ll have to buy your own. I don’t have any to let you borrow. Ms. Lucy might, but you have to ask her real nicely. She sits across from your desk. First, though, comment on how good her hair looks even if you don’t like it. Make sure she’s not on the phone when you ask her. She’s always on the phone talking about how she doesn’t have enough time to do all of her work, and how she thinks that the boss doesn’t like her because he keeps giving her so much work to do. I don’t know who’s she’s talking to. Sometimes she uses the company’s phone. Sometimes she’s on her cell phone. She’s the timekeeper; so make sure you get her on your good side. You can’t leave early. Never leave early. Unless Ms. Lucy leaves early. Then you might able to leave. She never leaves early.

Wayne is our supervisor. He works in Pennsylvania. We are in Washington, D.C. I have been here for two years, and have only met Wayne once. One day you will meet him. You can email him or call him if you need anything. I’m not your boss. He is. If you have any questions you can ask me, but you should ask him first. I work in the cube here. It is next to your cube. I will hear everything you do. I also talk to Wayne.

Here’s your equipment. It’s old. Some of it doesn’t work. You can talk to Wayne about it. Don’t tell him that I told you that it doesn’t work. He’ll say that it does work and to read the manuals that come with it. Some manuals are missing. You can find them online. Don’t tell him I told you about the old equipment. He doesn’t want to hear it. The company bought new equipment seven years ago. They don’t believe that it’s at the end of its life cycle yet.

In order to do any work for someone they must submit a ticket through the web portal. Ask each customer who comes to you if they submitted a ticket. Ask to see a receipt. If they don’t have one, then you can’t do any work for them. It’s office policy. I always ask for a ticket unless it’s Tom. He’s the big boss. Or Jack. He’s cool. He’s my friend. He can be your friend too if you work on projects for him. But, do NOT do any other work without tickets. Wayne does not know about Jack.

The IT department will set up your computer with an access ID and log in. There is online training that you have do before you can get an access ID. The only way to sign into a computer is with your access ID and password. I can’t log in for you because then you’ll be on the computer under my name, and we’re not allowed to let anyone sign on under our names. Email Wayne. He will tell you what to do.

Lunch is only 30-minutes. We have an office refrigerator right there. Mark your food containers with your name and date. Don’t eat anyone else’s food. There’s a thief in the office that steals sandwiches that are put in the refrigerator. Keep your sandwich at your desk. Just don’t eat it at your desk. There is a break room that you can eat at. Be careful of where you sit at the table. Everyone has their special chair that they like to sit in. This one is mine. That one is Ms. Lucy’s. Jack sits there, and Tom there. Never sit in Tom’s chair, even if he’s out of the office. Wayne does not have a chair. If he visits the office, give him your chair. Tell him it’s his.

You’ll get the hang of this place eventually. Some days are really busy. Some days are not. Make sure you never steal time. Sometimes, though, we have too much time. It can get boring here. Sometimes we have to do work “out of the building.” Wayne would never know if you went home. I would know. Ms. Lucy would know. She won’t tell on you if you don’t tell on her. I won’t tell either if you won’t tell. The big boss never tells because he’s never here. He works from home sometimes too. We always have to be here on Mondays. We have to be here everyday of the workweek; but, especially, on Monday. I won’t tell if you won’t tell, and Ms. Lucy won’t tell either. But, if you do tell I will tell too. Don’t make me tell.

Make sure your attire is professional and clean. You must always wear a tie and a collared shirt. During the winter we wear long sleeve shirts. In the summer we wear short sleeve shirts. Ties are optional on Fridays. Sometimes we wear polo shirts on the last Friday of every month. Here’s a calendar that lists the attire for each day. It also tells you what’s on the lunch menu and when ceremonies are. On the day of ceremonies, the cafeteria doesn’t provide dessert because there is cake at the reception. I will have a retirement ceremony before you. You will probably never have a retirement ceremony. The company doesn’t have good health care cover, so watch how much cake you eat. Tom frowns upon obesity. He calls it “insurance fraud.”

At the end of the day, make sure you leave your desk clean. The office manager, Mike, walks around the office throughout the week to ensure everyone is maintaining the standards. If you’re desk is dirty, he’ll write you up. He sends a list of names to Wayne to deal with. Wayne will have to annotate it in your records. Once it’s in your records, it never goes away. I’ve never had a write up before. Ms. Lucy has. She had to leave work for two weeks without pay once because she was 15 minutes late to work twice. I’ll tell Wayne that I told you that. Don’t make me tell him you didn’t listen to me. I’m not your boss.